Send.
Late afternoon, my head is spinning. I open Spotify, but everything feels too much. I open…Open, but I can’t fucking meditate right now either. I want my shoulders to fall, and my heart to slow down. “Make a list of all the things you usually do to hold yourself when things are….” … I get out of the bath where I’m overheating and wildly overstimulated, “when things are difficult.” I have forgotten them all lately.
I’ve been looking at duel screens most of the day. Most of the last year. Constantly d i s t r a c t e d. So now here I am sat on the floor of the bathroom in the empty flat. And I start writing this.
All the things I have let slide. Wait. Can I make that sound less like a jibe? Can I make it kind? My heart is finally slowing and now the tears come. Instead of just letting it happen I start thinking about the fact I didn’t send the card. And I hate myself for it. It’s Mother’s Day. It’s not as if I hadn’t been thinking about it for weeks. I meant to send it. I wonder how she is. Wonder what her grief looks like. I wonder,
…if she really loves me. And if she loves me less now that I am the only child. The lesser one. We haven’t spoken since the funeral. And I hate this feeling. This feeling that I am always the one expected to call. And even more I hate that I can’t seem to do it. Swallow my pride, or swallow my pain? And just call.
Ugh. Tears free falling, where was I?
Make a list of all the things I usually do to hold myself together when life is rough. (Things I have forgotten to do or resisted lately more often than not)
Walk. Especially in nature (and the Barbican…)
Little rituals. Making tea in the morning, and before bed. Keeping notes of things I’ve seen that made me smile.
Face massage. Taking the time to slow down and do it makes me feel cared for.
Mobility. I ache all the fucking time. My body hates me- or pities me right now. I miss that light feeling of flexibility. The Ease. I feel scrunched.
Running. I miss it so much. But it’s been five years now since I could run. When I hurt my back in 2020 it stripped my ability to move freely for so long. But now it’s just excuses. Really it just sucks to start again, and start from a place of the worst level of fitness I have ever been in. I feel ashamed.
Putting my phone down. It’s practically glued to me. I hide inside it. Games and taking photos. And saving things to substack or pinterest. So many tabs I will never open??
Travelling alone.
